So, in other words, men should only have oral sex no, wait, not even that, because the STD risk remains but that women can have all the se they want, because they have the option of aborting a resulting pregnancy? In a feature I call Your Turn, in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, Im presenting the following letter without commentary from me: I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. He explained that they were always arguing, and that they actually broke up when he first talked to me. SpaceySteph And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. Also he could argue in court that the EXs fiance has taken on the role of father and the child would be damaged to find out that the fiance is not really the father. Find someone without baggage. You deserve better. i completely agree, it is both parties responsibilities to make sure they are preventing pregnancy AND stds. They had just gotten back together after finding out she was pregnant. But, seriously you should both get tested for STDs. Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? April 10, 2012, 5:01 pm. But thats a crime?. Changing the facts and then arguing them is just as useless as creating facts and arguing those whether you admit to it or not. The father would divorce himself from the child and any obligations to the mother. But what a guy usually doesn't take into consideration is that a lot has happened after the breakup. April 9, 2012, 4:44 pm. He begged me not to go, but I left anyway because I didnt think things would change and I wanted him to see what life was like without me in hopes hed run after me. Long story short he ended up comeing to his sences and we got back together a month or so before our son was born. I was a completely amicable situation and hes had no issue with this arrangement and its been many years. It merely reduces the chances. You dont honestly believe that logic that applies to one situation should be applied to all situations, do you? Case in point: my mother was mentally ill, verbally and physically abusive, and vindictive enough to hurt my siblings and I just to spite my father, and she STILL got joint custody. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. Termination of Parental rights does NOT absolve you from paying Child Support in the United States of America.
LW, your BF impregnates another woman AND you think that you are entitled to an opinion about whether she should keep her unborn child? Again, not unusual, and since the LW and the guy were broken up, the LW has no claim to what the guy could do after the breakup. April 10, 2012, 6:11 pm.
Tristan Is Expecting a Baby With a Woman He Allegedly Cheated on Khlo -Got her pregnant Birth control isnt full-proof. April 10, 2012, 11:39 am, Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. You know, I dont have much patience this morning, so I (somewhat) apologize if my reply reeks of snark. First, abandoned is a bit misleading, since (a) we dont know that theyd broken up before or after she discovered she was pregnant and (b) hes agreed to pay for the child. Okay so what if the LW is not pro choice.
Briana DeJesus: PROOF Her Boyfriend Got Another Girl Pregnant Revealed Girls can get caught up in emotions and run wild with feels sometime devilish innocent Established Member Established Members My Ex-girlfriend says she misses me. At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. I don't know my place anymore because he doesn't want to tell her we're back together. Fourth, this woman should run, not walk, from this dude. And its also appalling that he would order a woman to abort. It would be nice if he said hed rather not have a kid, but he said that he is not happy that she is pregnant, and asked if she could abort. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. Both men and women create children. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. This is your CHILD.
My Boyfriend Got Another Girl Pregnant Before We Started Dating, What This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. She trapped him? I wanted to be the one who had a baby with . Just once. Except I acknowledged that was guesswork on my part. Are sued for child support. Hes a real winner. Not me. So this guy sleeps with the first gal that catches his attention, but he only has eyes for you? Its crazy how much abject hatred there is out there. April 9, 2012, 5:29 pm. Its not that fucking hard. April 10, 2012, 4:50 pm. And, yes, he should be taking precautions against STDs because even if he never gets back with the LW, is he going to remain celibate for the rest of his life? And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters. I dont knowMaybe Im looking at this from the perspective of being an adopted child or having witnessed a friends situation, but I dont think this guy is the worlds worst person like everyone else (but hes still an asshole). I agree with you regarding being a part of the childs life but I dont agree with you on the money aspect. April 10, 2012, 9:06 pm. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. You really have no idea what child support means. You know as well as I do that the law is gender biased in effect in not in letter. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. And lo and behold, thats exactly what youve gotten. Im waiting for the moral and mental gymnastics that say its OK to force a man to spend 18 years paying to provide a good life for the result of his error in judgement, but its not OK to force a woman to spend nine months working to simply give life to the result of her error in judgement. Men AND women both have decided, well after-the-fact, that no babies is better than having babies. I mean, for starters, if I even had one unplanned baby while on the pill, Id probably not continue to use it. I feel like a part of me has died . I accept that its the law, just like its the law that you basically have to get raped by an ultrasound device in Texas in order to get an abortion. You are able to get through any obstacles on your path. Yeah, I believe that means he must be., I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating.. REALLY?! Youre the one asserting that its only one sex that experiences unfairness. Its 100% ok if you cant or dont want to be in that situation. The baby is coming, the product of a two month relationship. However, I do find your mindset to be telling: And yet you still have sex with us The implication being that if a man has sex with a woman, they should be prepared to pay dearly for it for the rest of their lives. This child will have no father and while I dont feel bad for the parents, I feel very bad for this child. I must be bloody kidding myself. Its not fair to create more fucked up human beings by being the father a kid never had; by making them think theres something about them that wasnt good enough. I dont doubt that Sure Baby, I love you. At this point, its an easy thing to resolve this without decades of support and animosity. By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. Nothing about that makes him a bad person. Baby, our apartment isnt big enough for a baby. "My mom got pregnant from a one-night-stand at 16. He should get a damn vasectomy. The problem is not the other woman, the problem is your man and how you are responding to everything. I DO think its completely absurd to be furious with someone else however when you become a parent after choosing to do the exact thing that can cause pregnancy. Another thing that happened in my friends case is that at the same time that they signed things to waive his parental rights, the mother had the child adopted by her fiance and then her fiances name was put on the birth certificate from the get go (though, this was all done behind my friends back and that part was done without his consent, nor was even discussed). April 9, 2012, 2:54 pm. well, then Id run screaming the other way. There is a certain degree of sadness in all of this, yes, but Ive turned out far better than my friends whose fathers have been unable to make up their minds one way or another about parenthood. He can have an opinion about her but its absurd to be mad at her because they created a baby. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. Argh. The female of the species carry the offspring. I see no reason why the mother in this scenario cannot be a great parent who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption [or only have one parent involved], SpaceySteph April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. No, honey, I am not and I dont believe HmC is either. They way the *LW* is painting the picture here of how she and her bf are treating the unborn child is unfair to the child and is why people are reacting the way they are. Terrance Dean. And thats why I wouldnt want anything to do with him in the first place. Im really astounded that you would say something so flippant like women can get support for 20+ years, as if its nothing! Given that youve never met him, how is it that you can be so sure of that? All it is is having someone served w papers requiring them by law to have a q tip swab their mouth. April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. This gets to the basic conflict. My above reenactment was not a true depiction of the dialogue I believe took place. Or that the person youve known for two minutes and are now having sex with is being honest with you about anything. make sure you use back up protection! Now this is really petty, but I'm planning to post a picture of me and my boyfriend for her to see. ele4phant Well, I guess its good that you now know that you cant bear life without each other, but that seems a bit juvenile to me. And for what its worth, I highly doubt he can bear to live without you. I mean, he didnt exactly waste any time getting some other chick pregnant, did he? No reason to pass that one along to future generations, Rachelgrace53 We all know breakups are painful. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. But hes no knight in shining armor because he is willing to bare some legally minimal level of responsibility. You are acting like child support is some sort of lottery win for the woman it is court ordered money that is to go towards the care of your child. Neither is that birth control is not infallible. No one is forcing any woman to have the child and much less to keep it. We met up again and my family grew fond of him finally. Its no excuse but no one will every be able to explain men. April 9, 2012, 12:55 pm, Im sure there are many, many women who would argue that its not all rainbows and butterflies in attaining child support. If the other woman decides to have the baby, her now boyfriend will be liable for child support, which will significantly impact his finances (and their finances if they marry for the next 18 years. Please. I dont think the actual equality is as you think it is, but even if I agree that it is, it has nothing to do with what happens early on in a pregnancy. The guy started dating someone else. We have no guarantee that the mother will be as good a single parent as those mentioned in this discussion. Plenty dont. But in some ways, youre making my point, Francine. Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. He still has to pay. Its because of biology, and a legal system that puts the interests of the child above the interests of the parent. . And it will need a mother and a father. Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right?, And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters.. It was definitely his decision too. For the love of all things holy are you deliberately obtuse or truly lacking in basic comprehension? Or is she trying to get him to live up to his responsibilities (which he brought on himself when he had unprotected sex and got someone pregnant)? religiously wear condoms. It will never be equal. Not to mention raising the baby, which women are way way WAAAYYY more likely to do alone than men. Why you ask? Um please feel free to disregard teh account representative, that may have been for something else haha. Just sayin. God, Im so glad someone else thought of that word when reading this letter because Ive used that word exactly three times in my life as an insult, and yet I couldnt quit thinking it. Youre fucking advocating that brilliantly fool-proof method?! Chris (played by Tyler James Williams), is the ambitious, normal, responsible, intelligent, and kind-hearted, but troubled, unlucky, unpopular, untalented, nonathletic, underachieving, hapless, awkward, nerdy, vulnerable and mischievous eldest child and protagonist with anxiety disorder of the series.He wishes he was more like his younger brother, Drew. That was his choice, but what hes done is made you feel sorry for him. Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop(Atria Books June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books November 2010; $15). Sigh. But then Id be haunted with the thought that I could have frozen BETTER sperm than the sperm I froze before tying the tubes and will always wonder if my children could have been better. And you wonder why people accuse the threads of being hostile toward males? No. No law can change the fact that whatever choice a man or woman in this position makes, the woman has the burden of actually carrying out the birth or abortion. i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Id like to hear your explanation as to why that should not be the case. LW, why in the hell would you want to get with this guy right now? Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. Every relationship ends in death or a breakup, so this is not unusual. Third, I weep for that child. April 10, 2012, 5:54 pm. Also, if the other woman keeps the baby, this is going to provide significant insight into her boyfriends character that will help her make her decision. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. April 9, 2012, 6:39 pm, Oh, please. And he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. 6napkinburger By your logic, its just as much the waiters fault for not making sure the kitchen used different gloves when she didnt bother to tell him just how severe her allergy was. Not that she had the audacity to get pregnant after sex but for keeping the baby.
8 Red Flags the Pregnancy is a Trap - Ann Silvers, MA Men this means condom. I dont think anyone thinks hes an ass for having sex with someone after a split. How about, The woman who decided to keep the child knowing that the man was not interested in being a father and providing support?. He said he felt forced to be with someone he doesnt love and, blah blah blah. Thats why we never used condoms. Even if shes annoying, shes more than a hole for him to stick it in, and it would bother me to know my BF had just used another human being as a glorified masturbatory aid. 2.
Problem. Sorry. John Rohan Freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. bittergaymark Men dont have those choices if they dont want the child. ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc. One does not need to hate women to find inherent unfairness in current laws. The woman can choose to abort the baby, even in the event the father desperately wants it, and is willing to raise and support it himself. Does that change the situation as all? Yes, its not a crime. He found her annoying but still slept with herI think this was pretty assholish behavior. OH MY GOD!! He also said he is furious with this women for wanting to keep the child, because they were only together for 2 minutes. 5. Its called lying. lets_be_honest "Cry, vent and . After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. Just shut up and pay the bills, right? Youre right, it could be unenforceable. Thats not the point here. Deal with it, ladies. ! Funny, he only came back to you after he found out the other girl was pregnant. You seem too whiny for most womens taste. Um, yeah. (Well assume she is pro life for non religious reasons because Im not sure why a religious person would be fine with banging after two minutes thats a whole other can of worms). So, therefore, Im not so sure what you are finding so hard to get over about him, and why do you let him keep coming back into your life? ! And then of course Ross WE WERE ON A BREAK meltdown. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Sure, lots of people take those chances. She provided the other half of the set, the construction site, the construction materials, she built the child. However, my point isnt that children should not be supported. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Still, if I were the LW and I saw my newly reunited BF acting this way about his soon to be born child, Id get the heck out of there. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. Especially if ever precaution was taken (birth control, condoms, etc.).
One is right next to me . And what few you do procreate will become part of the growing criminal element, as they have no strong father-figure to teach them how to be part of successful society. Thanks for proving you and your ilk are out to entrap men to sustain your lifestyle by dropping as many babies as you can..and living on welfare checks honest people pay for..SLUT! he gets another girl pregnant while you are on a break, your fault. "The best way to move through a breakup while pregnant is to let the feelings flow," says McDermott. Fury at the woman he impregnated is misdirected. You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. My opinion is that we all know that it can happen whether youre on birth control or not. She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallopBut I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. Life is unfair.
I dont know how you can defend it. Anyone would be angry in this situation. Ive seen malarky thrown around quite a bit in this thread. Hes 40 and he doesnt want a child. You seem to put a lot of blame on her, but you do know that he was there too, right? The man has NOTHING to do with any child creation. iseeshiny I would suggest that the man under discussion would not be sponge-worthy. Thats why I kind of went to the extreme with the whole Threw some money thing. Or until we decide to start a family., By that logic, virtually every dude on the planet is an idiot. People need to think about their actions and the consequences. The research on on-again/off-again couplesthose that break up and get back together multiple timesindicates that some of the most common reasons for getting back together with an ex include . oy. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. It will have feelings too. Abortion does away with a potential baby- a life that will grow into a child if it continues to grow over the next several months-, and the other is walking out on an actual human being. are you creating multiple accounts to like your own comments? What can you change? Give him another chance. My biological father, whom Ive never met, responsibly paid child support and didnt confuse me by dropping in and out of my life. Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? Abortion is safe and legal, right? Theres no statement suggesting that he tried to browbeat the woman into getting an abortion. While I stand by my statements about this woman being a total idiot, etc., and the fact that I dont think anyone was calling him scum for having sex with someone after he broke up with his girlfriend, I will say that I agree with the idea that its unfair for guys that they have no say in keeping or aborting but will be on the hook for child support even if they wanted the mother to have an abortion. Lucky us. But to me, it sounds like youre misdirecting your anger. Addie Pray And the world goes round. .of F****** Idiots. He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. If it were me, Id stay FAR away from someone as seemingly immature and callous as your exand Id get myself to therapy to deal with my OWN immaturity and callousness. The only one who we know is expecting him to be a father is the letter writer. Going through the comments here, right on cue, I already record no less than five times that the boyfriend is called scum or scumbag. , CatsMeow I agree with a lot of what you have been saying, but he clearly states he will be a deadbeat father to the child in question from what the LW states which is the main reason for his villification. Not because there was anything wrong with me or because I didnt deserve a father or because I wasnt lovable she was always sure to explain that it was his deficits that kept him from being a part of my life. Because it doesnt work that way around here and everyone knows it. Exactly; he sounds like a total loser, and how the hell would she ever be able to trust him going forward? reader, confused.i.is+, writes (25 January 2008): All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft. So sad that anyone would think its even necessary to implement such a system. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. Or shes against abortion. Also, it implies that using a condom prevents pregnancy. Id confirm that shes actually pregnant She barely knows her new boyfriend, yet she's already pregnant with the guy's baby and is forced to plan a future with him. It was a vague post on my part Made even more confusing by the fact that _jsw_ was posting at roughly the same time and then his posted first. Everyone I know, including myself, that is not ready to have a child uses a condom or doubles up on protection, or makes sure that the pill is taken on damn regular basis. evanscr05 He has an obligation to any future sex partner to keep himself clean. Fine. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke landygirl. But everyday it breaks my heart knowing I'm not going to be the top priority. Its still good advice if the letter his fake, actually, since there certainly are people in this situation. Chopper jump on another severe cold day with the right hand exposed to activate the reserve chute. Yes? How very astute of you to notice the fundamental difference between the genders. For anyone. Well, custody deals with life choices (what school they go to, what religion theyre raised as, what kind of medical treatments they get, etc.). Its wrong and its not fair, and thats what should be changed, not the fact that a man who voluntarily engaged in activities that everyone knows could result in pregnancy can *gasp* be sued for child support for a kid he doesnt really want. I honestly dont believe any of this will ever be an issue for you. I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage.